Tag Archives: funny

MacGyver’s Competition: Pete Dominick

pete2

Photo from siriusxm.com

I remember riding next to my Dad in his old blue Buick with cushy seats and bouncy shocks down the turnpike.  I always thought it seemed so boring listening to his news shows that he liked where people talked on and on in monotone voices. It bored me to tears and seemed like such a grown up, old person thing to listen to nonstop.

Until I became an old person.

Hello my name is LifeonWry and I am officially a news radio addict. The first step is admitting it right?

I can’t remember the last time I listened to actual songs on my car radio. Which sounds sort of sad. But then, addiction always is.

I have one person to blame for my splurge of a subscription to XM radio and his name is Pete Dominick.  And I think I am in love with him.  My heart races a bit just writing his name, like I should start doodling my first name along with his last name…  LifeonWry Dominic …. TLA 4Ever.

MacGyver is aware of my obsession and luckily he just thinks it’s funny.

It all started with a free trial XM Radio subscription and 2008 election coverage.  And Pete Dominic on the POTUS station.  Since that time I have maintained my extravagant subscription and tried to listen to him almost every single weekday. Sometimes it’s hard for me to get out of the car when he’s talking.  I even followed him from POTUS to his new channel Indie Radio which I’m not a fan of except for his show, Standup with Pete Dominick.  All I can figure is that a big pay raise or a more flexible schedule lured him away from POTUS.  But I digress. I have remained a stalker of his loyal listener.

Pete (we’re on a first name basis but he doesn’t know it) has a background as a stand-up comedian and he is smart as hell.  He calls it like it is and is incredibly real, smart,  perfectly sarcastic, open minded, spot-on with human being behavior, and hilarious.  He’s also self deprecating to top it all off. Stop me, I’m swooning.

His show covers topics related to our world, our economy, and our issues and concerns as a society.  The other day I learned from his show that a quarter of humanity, or 1.3 billion people (in addition to the hundreds of millions who face regular blackouts) have no access to electricity and therefore must use dangerous methods like kerosene for light which poses health risks comparable to smoking two packs of cigarettes a day. I also learned that WakaWaka is not only a phrase that Fozzi Bear on the Muppets used to say, but it also the name of an organization that offers low-cost energy solutions for those living off the grid to help them be self-sufficient, sustainable and safe.  Oh, and WakaWaka means ‘Shiner of Light’ in Swahili.  Who knew?

The best part of Pete’s show is that on it the staff has a great time and Pete demands respectful and intelligent debate with his guest and call-in format.  He also asks for facts when callers make wild claims or generalizations, which often produces brief and awkward but wildly entertaining moments of silence.  But he does it in a respectful way, which is a fine line that he has mastered.

Pete says he is not of any political party and that he doesn’t want people to get hung up on labels and spout party lines. He works to have callers and well educated guests from both sides of the aisle.  Potentially irate  or rude callers don’t make it through his screening system (a script which I would love to read). It’s just not that kind of show.  Clearly Pete leans a direction that I am drawn to, but he seems open to all arguments and even questions all sides of each issue to spur conversation.

He is also is a regular guy, with a wife (darn, he’s married but then so am I) and kids that he clearly loves. He also seems to have great compassion for human beings which lurks just below the surface of his bold and pointed humor.

I’ve had the call-in number ready to dial several times on my phone.  I think I even dialed it once, only to abort after becoming flustered and worried that I might sound like a stalker if I actually got to talk to him.

So there you have it.  Pete Dominick is MacGyver’s competition.  But don’t worry.  MacGyver, and Pete’s wife for that matter, have nothing to fear.

I will forever be MacGyver’s sidekick.  And his list of similar qualities makes me swoon all the more.

Plus, MacGyver can fix a carburetor with a paperclip and a toothpick with one hand tied behind his back while reading a book and three magazines, listening to jazz and making me the perfect martini.

Now I just need to get him his own radio show.

Dear Selfie

selfie3Dear Selfie,

I take issue with you, Selfie. Actually several.

And the fact that Oxford Dictionary, as part of a genius brand awareness ploy to prolong the death of its product life cycle, yesterday declared you as the Word of the Year for 2013 not only makes me  a little more depressed about the state of humanity, but it actually makes me a little nauseous.

Your meaning is pretty self-explanatory:  a photo taken of oneself with a smart phone or webcam for use on social media. Your origin dates back to when a gentleman first used you in an Australian chat room in 2002 to describe a photo he took of his injuries after falling down drunk.  Your Australian heritage makes sense when you think of the “ie” suffix often used by Aussies as shorthand (think barbie for barbeque).  But that’s about all that makes sense to me.

It turns out the frequency of your use has increased by 17,000% over the past year. Apparently a research program calculates this percentage after collecting roughly 150 million English words in use on the web each month.

I’m curious and at the same time frightened by the fact that so many people are into you that much.  It seems like the world has much larger fish to fry than looking at awkward pictures that people not only spend the time to take of themselves, but then take the time to post for reasons that I can only assume to be self-aggrandizement or the result of a drunken moment like the inventor of the word intended.

Don’t get me wrong, I post a picture of myself every now and then.  But it’s usually with someone or commemorating some kind of moment or experience, and it’s never self-taken.  I know I’m sounding preachy here, sorry Selfie.

 I do appreciate that you have helped make it easier for me to manage my social media.  Your overuse actually motivated me to learn how to control my filter on Facebook which has helped to control my Selfie overload. 

I also understand that reality and movie stars post Selfies to generate business.  That’s actually pretty smart. And in the blogging world they are relatively customary and I get that.  I even understand kids and teenagers who post Selfies to impress their peers, sort of.  But regular grownups who post Selfies …  are they afraid we keep forgetting what they look like?  Do they do it to see how many people will give them a “like” because they need it for the affirmation?  Or do they honestly not know anyone who can take a decent picture of them?

These are the questions that baffle me today, this day after your historical induction into the words of fame.

Congrats, dear Selfie.

Yours truly,

LifeonWry

The first step is admitting you have a problem.

cart before

I admit it. I like to find things in other people’s trash.  Not deep in the trash under banana peels or dirty diapers or anything, mind you (I am still a germaphobe), but trash that’s visible from my car as I drive by.

I like to think of it as high-end dumpster diving. Or re-purposing of perfectly salvageable items on their way to the dump via the neighborhood trash truck. Items for which it causes me physical pain to think about them being hoisted up and over the back of the garbage truck cab and tossed into that teetering back heap in pieces.

These dumpster dive treasures call my name and wave me down as I drive by, shouting out to me “Hey, hey you…  Here I am… Yes, me! Isn’t this a shame?  You can’t let this happen, can you?”  They wait for me to slowly turn my car around to take a closer look and that’s when if they had a tail it would certainly start wagging … and in the car they go.

This is why my kids and MacGyver don’t even flinch when once every few months they see a new piece of very questionable looking furniture in the garage.  They know the drill.

Maybe I’m a hoarder, It may be genetic.  But I like to think of it as being a rescuer.

So, when I was driving through my neighborhood a couple of weeks ago and saw this old tea cart out on the curb by someone’s trash cans, I had to stop and perform a rescue mission. Yes, I was already cutting it close for my appointment, but I could hear the roar of the trash truck getting closer and her demise was imminent.

She had badly chipped veneer (under a perfectly quaint and in-tact wood framed glass tray) and she was missing wheels (which the owner was kind enough to set out for the likely rescuer) and she was was scratched, crooked and unsteady as hell.  In the back of my 4Runner she went.   

cart wheel

MacGyver grinned and shook his head as I later pleaded this poor little tea cart’s case and asked for his help in attaching the wheels and leveling her out.  ‘She can make it,’ I explained.

And so it was.  Here are the steps of this ‘little cart-that-could’s rebirth:

1. MacGyver reattached the little wheels under the cart. cart level

2. She was still unsteady due to the odd wheel configuration, so MacGyver worked to level her by adding spacers above her smaller wheels.  I was the assisting nurse, keeping watch on her vitals by watching for the little bubble in the little window of the metal level.

3. Then came the spray paint.  Oh, the glorious spray paint.  I can change the world with a few cans of spray paint.

cart paint

4. I taped and sanded her tray and on the front lawn where I still had good sunlight (my neighbors think I’m nuts) I gave it a few shots of a brilliant, deep red to test out the color.  She started to smile instantly.

5. Then the next day after the glue dried on the little wheels, this little cart got a thorough sanding and a coat of all-over red, except for her big, center wheels which I spray painted black as if they were the black patent shoes she needed for her new, red dress.cart red

6. Her makeover was complete.  She turned out so beautiful in the end that we decided to let her live with us on a permanent basis.  She has found a home in my dining room.

Despite her questionable background,  this little tea cart has made a lovely addition to our family and she seems to be working through her abandonment issues.

It turns out that you just never know what you might find on someone else’s curb on trash day.  And what it could become.  And that, my friends, is the fun of it.

Have you ever dumpster-dived?

15 things I’ve contemplated writing about but haven’t.

IMG_4785I’ve been in a slump.  I haven’t been able to write a decent post this last couple of weeks to save my life.  Lots of thoughts but I haven’t been able to get anything down. So, in no particular order, here are fifteen things that I have contemplated writing about but haven’t.

1. Sunrises in Colorado this time of year which are downright breathtaking.  (Clone the other day when he saw one out the back windows before school said “That’s some Lion King looking stuff going on out there.)

2. All that I’ve learned about supplements that can help with bruising.  I was going to call the post “Tips for my Bruising Bedfellows.”  (Since I get a new bruise every fifteen minutes.  Oh, and Arnica rocks.)

3.  The news on my Rice Krispy knees. (Doc says it’s arthritis in my knees which is common and the sound probably wont’ ever go away (YUK) but some exercising and supplements might help.)

4. The wild weather extremes we’ve had in Colorado with fires and flooding.  (Good thing global warming is totally a hoax.)

5. How much I have learned about ADD  these last few weeks and how brains in people with ADD are wired completely differently. (Found some experts and it has been eye opening. Oh, and it’s very genetic.)

6. My growing desire to quit my marketing career and work at the Container Store. (For real.  My gig is sucking the life out of me molecule by molecule.  I’m over it.)container

7. My new book idea about 25 Suburban Women I Want to Punch in the Face. (The Container Store would actually be a great place for gathering book material now that I think about it.)

8. How weird this weekend is going to be for me.  (Sunday is mom’s birthday and anniversary of my sister’s death (same day – yes that’s messed up)_ and the Alzheimer’s Walk is this weekend too.  It will be the type of weekend when I go from laughing hysterically to crying hysterically at the drop of a hat and frighten onlookers unaware of my tendencies.)

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9. The strangeness of celebrating my Mother’s birthday with her when she has no idea who I am, much less that it’s her birthday.   (Don’t make me go.  *&^%#@!! Ugh.)

Cake 01

10. The fact that  I’ve been eating and drinking much better (most days) since I started working with a personal trainer. (We’ll see how much longer I can afford her but I’m starting to really notice a difference.  Luckily I hear Container Store pays well.)

11. How cool my new, free to-do app called Wunderlist is.  (It’s free and it saves me from rewriting all my lists 200 times a day.  Probably an ADD tendency.)

12. The intense waves of homesickness I still get sometimes even though I’ve lived away almost ten years. (Not sure that ever goes away completely.)

13. How weird women are. (Except for me of course.)

14. How bizarre it feels to have to kids in high school and to not be needed to drive them to and from school.  (Is there such a thing as post-middle school depression?)

15. How Steno pads and kitchen scissors scissorremind me of my Mom.  (And will probably randomly make me cry this weekend because they’ll make me think of my Mom, which will then make me think of my sister and how much I wish she could go visit Mom with me on Sunday.)

That’s all for now folks.

Happy Hump Day.

Open letter to a Barbecue Lay’s Potato Chip

chipsDear Barbecue Lays Potato Chip,

Tell me why, after all these years, have you found me again?  Now I’m afraid I won’t be able to forget you again for a while.

I have resisted your temptation for a few years now since my boys have become obsessed with you.  I have often stared at your bag in the pantry where you live with all of your relative chips.  Even though I try to store you out of my sight, I still see you.  You have just politely and quietly stared back, almost knowing that you were my forbidden fruit and having mercy on me.

Maybe it was the way that our grocery store has been recently remodeled so  beautifully, making that chip aisle damn near impossible not to stare dreamy-eyed down the aisle of shiny bags, with you now perfectly positioned at eye level upon approach.  I think I heard harps playing in the distance as I pushed my cart down that aisle the other day.

You made me buy a couple of bags of you for the kids.  I didn’t want them to run out, after all.  I brought you home, and tried to position you  in the pantry so that I couldn’t make eye contact.

But then the other night, as I was perfectly perched with my soft blanket and dimmed lights, ready to watch my trashy Sunday night Housewives TV series (that makes my life look ever so simple, which is a good thing), I heard you calling.

Maybe it was Clone’s fault for being so nice and asking me if I wanted him to get me anything after grinning at the TV screen, knowing how awful the TV show was that I was about to spend an hour with.  My household loves to make fun of me for this weekly vice.

Whatever it was, I gave in.  I ate way too many of you.   So many that I might even be able to forget you for a while since I satisfied my craving so sufficiently.  If it weren’t for the orange powdery residue you left under my nails.  That makes it harder to forget you.

You were good.  I thank you for that.

If I smoked I would have had a cigarette afterwards.

Thank you for the great Lays, my friend.

Making a Splash of a Different Kind. PS: I take back every blonde joke I ever wanted to make about Daryl Hannah.

Daryl Hannah TransamAs MacGyver tells me when I get riled up about how unrealistic movies can be, “Honey, it’s only a movie,” I should know better. But back in the day, most movies I saw Daryl Hannah in depicted her in a way that did not make me think of her as a potentially intelligent and interesting person. I fell for her movie typecast, and she in turn raked in some paychecks with that role she was so good at playing.

Today I heard her in an interview on XM radio discussing her new movie project, “Greedy Lying Bastards,” which she produced.  I haven’t seen it yet, so I’m not promoting it.  But I liked listening to her and I was pleasantly surprised. (For those of you who want to quit reading now, you can skip to the best part of this post at the end – look for the asterisks.)

But before you quit reading, know that I am not an over the top liberal.  But I am open minded and I do believe that every action has a reaction.  And there is no way that we can keep increasing our pollution and not expect any consequences. (I did recently trade in my beast of an SUV for a smarter version with much better gas mileage  –  but that’s for selfish reasons to boot.)

I know some of you will automatically be offended by the name of this movie alone and therefore never see it, which makes me question the naming because it would seem to defeat the purpose of getting people to open their minds to at least learning other views of what’s going on with our environment. And to consider why it might seem logical that efforts to change how we consume energy might be thwarted by those whose pocket book would be affected negatively by such change.  To me that makes sense, as does having an open mind to this concept – and to opposing concepts, quite frankly.

(The rest of you who have no problem with the name and are instead checking to see when it comes out and where — it opens nationally March 8.)

Lest I get all political, let me just wrap up by saying  that the best part of listening to that interview was to learn that Daryl practices what she preaches, she makes good practical sense and is she is realistic when she discusses the need to be aware of simply taking care of the world we live in a little better.

*******But the best of all….. I learned that Daryl Hannah owns and drives that TransAm she drove in Kill Bill.  She’s had it converted so that it runs on pure ethanol.  I wonder if she keeps her eye patch in the glove box?

How to Recognize a Close Encounter of the Personal Kind.

space invader

You know who I’m talking about.

Those people who get so close to you that you almost feel their breath on your neck as you stand in line at the grocery store, post office or drug store.  Anywhere there is a line with people who think that you’re too slow and they’re more important,  or who were seriously raised by parents who did not teach them about respecting the personal space of others.

This often takes place as I am paying and I want to offer them a piece of gum out of my purse since they can see inside it so well.

A grown man in the next line over at the store yesterday was so up in this lady’s business and being such a spaz about it that I could feel the energy in the next lane over. (This photo does not do the situation justice and I was trying to be discreet.)  I wanted to ask him if he had to use the restroom or something since he seemed in such a hurry.

Often these space invaders have one hand on their hip, their arms crossed or even their legs crossed like this guy.  And some sighs and heavy breathing might take place. Sometimes body odor.

Naively, I always think that making some dramatic eye contact with a semi-sneer will make it clear to them that they are invading my space and they need to back off.

Or sometimes I think that if I just hold my ground and not move a single inch until I’m good and ready, they’ll get the message.

I’ve even tried slightly backing up to throw them off, to no avail.

I always want to say something like “You seem like you’re in a hurry since you’re up so close and personal with me right now, want to go ahead of me?  Or do you just want to get to know me better?”  Or “You seem like you need a hug … is that why you’re getting so close?”   But I worry that I would start something that I’m physically unable to carry through.

Any attempts I make to help space invaders realize that they are bucking  this social norm are futile.  I’m baffled.  Or maybe I’m delusional to think that I can really change another human being’s behavior? ( Logically I know this to be the answer but I still love to analyze it.)

How do you handle Close Encounters of the Personal Kind?  Any tips?

Act first, think later. Story of my life in 5 examples.

CreativeLeap

Photo from http://design-seeds.com, a really cool site I just discovered.

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Act first. Think later.  Story of my life. Luckily it’s working relatively well for me so far. My dad does it too, and even admits it, so I come by it honestly.

This ‘creative leap’  idea is how I justify it.  Similarly, I enjoy any quote about procrastination being a good thing.

Here are some examples of how this is the story of my life:

1. Hanging pictures –  Not sure if I’ve ever used a ruler or tape measure when hanging things on any walls – and I have a LOT on my walls.  This makes many people CRAZY.  (And I love it.)

2. Painting –  When I have gone to those places where you paint as a group while you have a cocktail, and everyone paints the same stroke with the same color in the same order, I go for the wine and pretend like I’m following directions or like I’m just confused. The conformists in these groups whose paintings look exactly like the teacher’s painting in the end always look at my painting with sheer disdain and disbelief. Once someone told me that my painting of wildflowers might indicate that I need therapy.  (Which tells me that it’s good.)

3. Trimming  – As in my bangs, or anything I’m cutting for that matter.  Again, I don’t measure or think it out too much when cutting ribbon, fabric, dog hair, my hair, etc. This has not ended well on several occasions. (Starting at age five when I gave my doll and I a haircut at the same time using my dullest kindergarten scissors.  Also in college when I used to make my own wrap skirts – my room mates are still laughing.)

4. Giving my opinion – How boring and untrue would I be if I edited my opinion before I spoke of it?  Besides, it would take far too long and I would get distracted by the time I thought it through and then I’d forget my point.  I’ve gotten in trouble with this one.  (Fortunately those who love me can handle it.)

5. A plethora of injuries, bruises and cuts at all times – Whether I’m carrying sixteen things down the stairs to save time, or teetering on the edge of a chair because I don’t want to take the time to find a ladder, or using a knife that is dull.  You get the idea.  (Luckily I still have all my digits.)

Do you ever act first and think later?

4 Things I’ve Seen People Doing While Driving This Week

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(Sorry for the technical difficulties earlier – accidentally published a draft!)

Here are four things I’ve seriously seen people doing while driving this week:

1. This morning after dropping my son off at school, I looked in the rear view mirror and saw a guy shaving with his electric razor while driving (as he was passing the elementary school).

2. Yesterday I saw a gal eating oatmeal (I assume) and using a spoon while driving.

3. Everyday I see a teenager texting while driving on the way to school. (Isn’t there a law about this? They don’t even try to hide it.  Scares the heck out of me.)

4. Monday I saw lady putting on mascara while driving.  (That would suck to lose an eye for vanity’s sake.)

At some point I assume I’ll see someone doing yoga or lifting weights while driving because they ran short on time.

What’s the worst you’ve seen people do while driving? (Aside from nose picking which is far too obvious – and disgusting.)

Monkey Dog Does the Bacon Boogie

Since I’ve last posted about Monkey Dog, she has seized the following items from the kitchen counter when we weren’t looking: half of a thin crust supreme pizza, a package of flour tortillas, a package of hotdog buns, some cookie dough and Wonderbread, a tub of margarine and two spatulas. Those are just some highlights of these past few weeks.

Her monkey arms and invisible retractable thumbs continue to amaze us.  Especially while she is in counter surfing mode.

Not surprisingly, she’s gotten a little chubby. We’ll be contacting Monkey Weight Watchers soon.

In the meantime, check out her Bacon Boogie:

Best thing since … sliced onions

onion glasses

A month ago I stood in the kitchen with mascara running down my face and my eyes burning while I chopped an onion. And because my family doesn’t even bat an eye as I loudly blurt out expletives while attempting anything in the kitchen,  it didn’t surprise them when I exclaimed “Surely someone has invented some !@*^$% onion cutting goggles..!?”

I reached into our school supply closet and gave the science lab safety goggles a try.  No luck.  Duh.  But I was determined.

Then, as it happens most of the time when I turn to Amazon looking for whatever I’m hoping that someone has invented, onion cutting glasses do, in fact, exist.  This may be old news to you, but it was news to me.

And what better time to share this find than as part of the WordPress Daily Prompt  to write about something that I think is the best thing since …well, you know… sliced bread.

So there you have it.  Hands down the best new gadget to come into my life … my special onion cutting glasses, in fire engine red.  The foam around the eye of the glasses blocks out all vapors. And, as a bonus,  I’m always ready for an extreme Airsoft challenge if one occurs in the backyard while I’m chopping onions.

What’s your favorite kitchen gadget?

Playing the Ukulele By Virgin Ear

curse often

My youngest son (my Clone) is taking ukulele lessons (yes, ukulele – ‘ concert ukulele’ actually:) ) lessons from a young gal who is a private instructor.  Last night was his first lesson.

After my Clone showed us some chords that he learned, he told us a little about the lesson and the cute, young instructor (my oldest son heard how cute she was and might suddenly be interested in some lessons).

My Clone explained that during the lesson while the instructor was demonstrating a chord and slipped, she said “Oh crap.”  She then looked up at him and apologized profusely for saying such a bad word in front of him.

He had a terrific grin on his face as he explained this to his curses-like-a -truck-driver mother.

I asked him if he explained to her why she shouldn’t worry.

His Clone grin grew large enough to reveal his Clone dimples and he explained that he didn’t want to shock her … right off the bat, anyway.

We’ll save that for next week.

Gaining traction with the law of attraction.

wayne
One of my all time favorites, Wayne Dyer. And this is a good quote if you take the time to understand it.  Maryanne Williamson talks about this concept as well.  Love her too.

I’ve used this concept various times in conversations when people ask me why they repeatedly are drawn to potential mates with the same qualities that don’t always turn out to be great for the kind of relationship they need. Or when they repeatedly get themselves into situations that aren’t ideal. It’s no accident.

Dyer’s book, The Power of Intention, came to me at a time years ago when I really needed a shift in thinking.   The book came across my path several times in different ways for a year or so until I realized that the universe must be trying to tell me something, so I gave in and read it.  The concepts set me on a new path which I am still refining, and will always be.  But I like where it’s going.

A lot of Dyer’s books seem to be the same ideas from this book but repackaged and titled differently.  He is a marketing machine to the point of excess, but if you can get past that, he makes a lot of sense.  This book is a must read and I reread it regularly.  I’ve given it to numerous friends.

I intend to sleep well tonight.  It was a hell of a day.

Peace out.

The Truth About Exercise – An Introduction – reposted from thefurfiles.com

fern pic1

Reposted from one of my favorite bloggers!  Thefurfiles.com

Great post!  http://thefurfiles.com/2013/01/17/the-truth-about-exercise-an-introduction/

Fern has a background in fitness and I will be sharing some of her posts to help people get motivated to exercise.  Worth the read.

Excerpt:

The truth is, fitness is just like anything else – you get out of it what you put into it. No one is going to hand you toned muscles, great skin, and a strong heart and lungs on a platter.

It involves making sacrifices, and stepping outside of your comfort zone; it involves sweating, and contorting your body into weird positions; it involves being tired and sometimes sore; it involves not always getting to do what you want, and doing things you may literally hate.
Source: bodyrock.tv.

Fern pic

Another excerpt:

One way is by teaching people that everything adds up. A five minute walk to the car, climbing four flights of stairs, gardening for half an hour, a twenty minute bike ride – put it all together, and you get the amount of exercise you need in one day. In the very least, if you don’t have an hour or two to dedicate specifically to exercising, you can try to get it in spurts.

Another way is by educating people about the best methods of exercising. For example, the trend in fitness these days is anaerobic training – short bursts of high intensity work. This type of activity builds lean muscle mass faster and better than regular cardio, and in turn, it increases one’s metabolism more effectively. This is definitely what you want to do if you are trying to lose weight.

And lastly, the best nugget for me:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why do people always think they are so different from everyone else on the planet? Nobody wants to do things that make them feel uncomfortable. Nobody really has the time. It’s whether or not you can endure the discomfort, and whether or not you choose to include it in your life that makes a difference.