Category Archives: Grasping for Gratitude

Why I’m glad I didn’t punch anyone in the face today.

apalachicolaFor one thing, I’m sure I could have been arrested for assault and battery or something.

And the lawyer fees and such would be quite expensive and the whole process would have been quite a hassle  – making the punch hardly worth it.

Plus, I would have hurt my hand and I would have been embarrassed for losing my temper so easily.

Here’s the rundown of what happened:

I actually worked out this morning.  This is HUGE for me as I am out of shape and horrible about regular exercise.  And WAY out of practice.  And because my head was hurting after a tad too much wine last night with a friend.  Also because it’s been a hell of a last couple of weeks and I am fried.

But because I told my dear friend Yoda that I would go today, I sucked it up and went.  She takes me to her workout group sometimes with a trainer who leads a group of about five or six ladies for workouts on Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings.  Great group of people.  Except for the one I wanted to punch in the face today.  I know, I know… I sound so mean and severe.  Which is why you need more background.

So within the first 20 minutes, face punch gal corrects me on how I pronounced a place that I have been to many times, the Apalachicola area of Florida, which happened to come up in a conversation I was having with other people. She calls me out in front of the group and tells me that I mispronounced it  and proceeds to tell me slowly and loudly how Apalachicola is “actually pronounced.”  (I know, who does this?)  She tells me “there is no L at the end of Apalachicola.”  I irritatingly waved her off because I didn’t want to argue over something so ridiculous.  First off, there is an L in the end of Apalachicola.  Secondly, I’m a journalism major who strives to spell and pronounce things correctly, because I usually know how to.  Thirdly, who the heck cares if I even did mispronounce it, and why did she feel the need to correct me (wrongly at that) when I wasn’t even speaking to her?  I know this sounds petty, but It gets better.

For the next part of the workout, I got stuck on the mat next to face punch gal for several sets of exercises.  She proceeds to correct the way I was doing at least half of the exercises.  She even comments to the trainer that I wasn’t feeling the burn like she was since I was doing one of  the exercises incorrectly the whole time.  For real.  It gets even better.  And I hadn’t hit her yet.

Next, as she is seeing me struggle with keeping up with murderous abs exercises and hearing me actually grunt a little as I struggled to finish  (it was toward the end of our hour and remember, I am not in shape), I hear her ask the trainer why our workout was so easy today.  She confirmed that it would be harder on Friday and then asked if she could do some dead lifts with weights to make up for how easy the workout was.

It was right about that moment when if I could have physically mustered the strength to, I swear to you I wanted to punch her in the face repeatedly (metaphorically speaking of course).

I know I shouldn’t let people like this get to me, and I realize my wine headache probably wasn’t helping, but I don’t think people with such limited tact and social skills should be allowed to leave their houses, ever.

Thanks for your patience with my little face-punch rant, I know this was rather off-theme for me since I try to have some kind of grateful or positive slant to my posts as much as possible.

But some days, I’m just glad I didn’t punch anyone in the face.

2012 in review – Life on Wry.

WordPress.com  prepared a 2012 annual report for lifeonwry.com, which I began actively attending to (making  myself write for!) in August. Pretty cool little report on this little ol’ blog.  (And pretty smart marketing technique on behalf of WordPress.) Thanks for following me on this journey of gratitude, of self discovery and growth and of the wryness of life.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 7,700 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 13 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.

Top Thing I Really Should Have Learned in 2012. (Top Ten Continued)

Top Thing I Really Should Have Learned More About in 2012: MATH

As a kind and gracious reader of my last post pointed out, I left out #5 on my top ten lessons learned. I’ve always said as a Journalism major, I simply don’t do math. But really, that’s pretty funny.

So what would number 5 really be?

snowintree

Well, as I drove home from school drop off this morning, I couldn’t help staring wide-eyed at the snow all around me.  And noticing how soft it felt under my boots and as it landed on my sweater. I wanted to take a picture of every tree with snow perfectly placed on its branches as I drove past them this morning .  I know it sounds corny, but I really don’t care.

Even at 20 degrees this morning, I couldn’t help smiling.  I even went back outside after my return to take my neighbor’s paper to her doorstep.  It was so beautiful and perfect and soft that I seriously didn’t notice the 20 degrees.

I have learned the importance of stopping and noticing so much more in 2012.  Maybe it’s the writing that has made me more observant.  Or the introspection that more disciplined writing has spurred.  Or maybe this gratitude thing has really started to change my view in a way more significant than I had realized?

But it feels right despite its borderline cornitude.  I’m slowing to notice the snow, the deep orange and pink skies letting the sun out from under its covers early in the morning and the brilliance of the moon in our bathroom skylight before I close my eyes. The way petting my little red furry muse (monkey dog) warms me inside and makes my blood move more thoughtfully through my veins. The way so many people and things are not what I had first thought before I started this process.

The twinkle in my sons’ eyes when I spend extra minutes to encourage them and talk to them before they go to bed. The way each year we think our Christmas tree is the prettiest we’ve ever had. The way my Mom’s giggle was back (even if temporarily) when I visited her yesterday as she picked up one of the bills I was paying over the phone and gestured to it like it had the best joke written on it that she had ever read. Even though she lost her ability to read and comprehend a good year or so ago.

Maybe a part of my brain that was asleep has peeled the covers back to take another look?  I hope it never goes back to sleep.

Indeed, that is the number 5 lesson learned for little Miss Math Challenged … how powerful the effect of stopping and noticing can be.

What have you stopped and noticed today? 

Little Red Riding Hood and the Monkey Palooza

sock monk

Little Red Riding Hood keeps me guessing on her visits. If I turn around for more than a minute, she will nicely rearrange things for me.  Almost always after she leaves on her Wednesday visits, I either find that something is missing or that she has moved something to a strange place.  Almost like my Mom is messing with me, but she has no idea given her Alzheimer’s.  And I have to smile sometimes.

Since we are a dog lover family, we have a basket of dog toys in the living room for our spoiled dogs to access at their leisure. As you can imagine, there is always a dog toy,  or two, or three, strewn across the living room or kitchen floor.  They know who’s in charge here.  They are.

But things on the floor seem to bother my mother, who kept our house the cleanest and most orderly on the block. So she spends a lot of her time here picking up dog toys, leaves and such.  (Less vacuuming for me.)

Our mini Golden Doodle is nicknamed “Monkey Dog” in our house because we’re sure she has opposable thumbs which she uses like a little monkey to scavenge for food and trouble at all times.  So ‘monkey dog toys’ for our Monkey Dog are quite fitting, and thus aplenty in our house.

Last week after my Mom left, I found the sock monkey dog toy in my spoon rest by the stove. Once I figured out that she must have done it, I got such a kick out of it that I left it there for a few days despite how germy it probably was. (I have germaphobe issues.)

Then yesterday after she left, I found another monkey dog toy perfectly positioned in our home computer chair, as if ready to type.  This too cracked me up. I left him there until the kids later moved him.monkeychair

Today I am grateful for our monkey palooza and the smiles that Little Red Riding Hood gives us.

What are you grateful for today?

A different kind of holiday greenery – a salad made by yours truly that I actually like!

salad

Don’t get me wrong, I love salads.  But usually if they have blackened salmon or juicy sliced steak on them, along with walnuts and blue cheese crumbles and the like (far from low cal).  Especially if they are made by anyone other than me. So I have to share my gratitude for actually finding a salad that is easy, low cal and healthy, and that even I enjoy!

The holidays are here and this is when I find myself surrounded by food that I love to indulge in and that can make my clothes even tighter. So, if I can switch out a few meals a week to this tasty salad that isn’t wracked with fat and calories, hot damn and hallelujah!

I found the recipe in a magazine and modified it so that even I would not be able to find too many excuses for not throwing it together quickly in a time crunch.   Therefore it had to use ingredients that were easy to find, inexpensive and keep well in the fridge for a week or so.  And it has to be quick and easy, and yummy.

Check it out:

Let’s call it –  Life on Wry Salad

Ingredients – (now I keep this all on hand)

-Spinach or Arugula (or my favorite – a mix of both that comes prewashed and ready to eat in a container at the store. Yes, I go for easy)

-A sliced up apple (I like Fiji)

-Nuts (slivered almonds, walnuts or pine nuts or whatever you like.  I go for a bag of  presliced almonds so it’s ready to go.

-Quinoa – (This is new to me.  Pronounced Keen -wa.  It looks funky but it’s good.  Look for near couscous/rice in grocery store.  I cook a small saucepan full – about a cup of it according to directions – and I keep it in a small container in the fridge ready to go – that is key for me.)

-Blueberries (the trick for me is to keep any berries in the fridge prewashed from the moment I put them in the fridge – so I have no excuses not to eat them)

-Light Balsamic Vinaigrette (you can make your own or use Paul Newman’s like I do)

Directions – 

Get your quinoa boiling per box directions (or pull out what you’ve got ready in the fridge).  Then put as much spinach or arugula in bowl as you’d like, toss on some blueberries, a sliced apple, some nuts.  Add some quinoa – 4 tablespoons or so – just eyeball it – and throw on some light balsamic vinaigrette.  Voila!

End result – 

A salad that is easy, tasty and high in all kinds of nutrients and vitamins that are good for your brain and everything else.  And that I’m grateful I discovered!

Enjoy!

What are you grateful for today? 

White Christmas Dreams and Santa’s list. Damn that Christmas music. (Grasping for Gratitude)

Christmas tree

I know better.  I really do.  What kind of holiday high was I on to think that turning on old holiday music while I decorated my tree during a Little Red Riding hood visit was a good idea?

Being a bit of a sentimental sap already (especially with old tunes), holiday music has a way of making me miss ‘what was’ more than any other kind of music.  Thoughts of my Mom and sister and I decorating the tree while the Christmas music blared into our fancy room with green carpet and yellow velvet love seats, and all of my Mom’s plants all around the room.

I would get so upset if they started to hang one single ornament or place one strand of silver icicle tinsel garland before I was there with them.  They knew what a younger kid complex I had, so they were very patient with me.  We would get the tree decorated perfectly, just in time for our cat Rascal to knock the whole thing over during the night.

So while my Mom (Little Red Riding Hood) was here today for her Wednesday visit, I thought some holiday music might put a little sparkle back in her eyes while I worked on my Christmas tree so the boys could decorate it later.  Sometimes little things like this can bring her back for a moment. But sometimes reaching for those random lucid moments can be downright exhausting.

I’m really not sure if she even  knew who I was today.  She barely spoke a word and her Alzheimer’s seems to have progressed to a new level. She can’t really dress herself and she seems to have little energy.  I can’t really be sure if she still thinks I even look familiar.  She hasn’t known our names for about two years now.

I kept asking her if the new garland looked okay on the tree and if she liked it.  Not even a smile — which is usually the saving grace of these encounters.  She just looked at me like a was a complete stranger yammering at her and she continued to pick up tree needles from my floor.

As I adjusted my tree ribbon and listened to Bing Crosby drone on about his White Christmas dreams and someone sing about Santa coming to town and checking that list twice, a few tears streamed down my face in slow motion.This isn’t going to get any better and I just hope it doesn’t drag out forever, for everyone’s sake.  And I feel guilty for thinking that.  Nobody gets better with this disease.  They just run out of life.

I tried not to let her see my tears, even though I really don’t think she could notice.   I wished I could have called my sister to complain, whine or speculate about what’s next on this dim horizon.  But I haven’t been able to do that for 13 years. She left me here to figure all this out, even though I know she didn’t mean to.

I know in my heart I have so much to be grateful for.  My health, my family, a roof over my head, my friends…..  But this morning just sucked.

So after a few songs, a few more tears, and a few more blank looks from my Mom who was still collecting dust bunnies and needles from my floor, I grabbed the remote from the table, clicked off that damn music and walked away from the tree.  My throat was tight from my pent up tears and I took a deep breath.

I noticed Mom had something in her hand.  It was a grocery list that my stepdad had written and probably thrown away. She must have had it in her pocket. It was in three pieces and she kept looking at the pieces and refolding them. She’s been a list-maker since I can remember. I grinned because some old habits really do die hard.

Who knew what was going through her head while that music played and I decorated a tall outdoor tree in the center of my living room?  Maybe running her fingers over the little pieces of that list in her hand brought her some kind of comfort that she needed.  If that’s the case, I’m certainly grateful.

Am I still a creep for laughing if I’d be crying otherwise? Grasping for Gratitude.

IMG_2660
My Mom has always loved the holidays.  And she took great pride in her present wrapping.  She would mail everything to us two months before Christmas because she was that prepared. (She was an uber organized, list making, cleaning machine to be reckoned with.) But now that her Alzheimer’s has progressed to the point that she has no idea what Christmas is, it’s hard to figure out what to get her that she would enjoy opening.  I know how much she has always enjoyed wrapping and unwrapping and I can still see a sparkle of  recognition in her eyes when she unwraps a present.  But the options are slim these days.

While I was on my mad Amazon present shopping spree to get everything ordered and on its way (Amazon is the BOMB and where I buy almost everything with my Prime free shipping account), I struggled to figure out what to get her. I found some great puzzles for people with Alzheimer’s – easier than the ones I’ve gotten her before which are now too hard for her. And I ordered her favorite Russell Stover’s cream chocolates which I have bought for her every Christmas for the last 25 years (she has NOT forgotten that she is a chocoholic).

Most other things that I would have gotten her in the past would not be of  need, use or value to her now.  So I had a brainstorm – since my stepdad is having trouble getting her dressed and undressed each day (sorry I know this is depressing but it is what it is), what if I could find clothes that would help make it easier? There had to be something out there like robes and nightgowns with velcro fasteners, that kind of thing.

So during my search I came across some items in this general category that made me laugh outloud and then stop myself.  Because I felt like a creep for laughing. But I figure at this point most of the time when I’m dealing with my Mom stuff, I’m laughing so that I won’t cry. And I’m telling myself that makes it less creepy.  Same as when I make Alzheimer’s jokes about my own memory and it freaks people out and they don’t know what to say. Anyway, just go with me on this.

So here we go, the first item of interest: the Anti-Strip Suit. 

Product Description: The Latest, Most Effective Anti-Strip Suit in an innovative fabric that resists tearing like never before. Sewn down collar, embroidery detail. Incredibly long zipper that extends to below the knee for easy assisted dressing. Dome closures at neck helps prevent disrobing. Elasticized waistband and roomy seat for an easy, comfortable fit. Strong polyester-cotton knit. Machine washable.

(Apparently this is so people won’t randomly strip – we’re not to that point yet.  But it gave me a hard-core chuckle. And what a great idea for a product.  I guess there is a whole industry of clothing like this that I had no idea about.  Pretty genius actually.  Do they sell these for teenagers?)

Next up: the Fancy Gold Lamé Adult Bib.

IMG_2661

Product Description:No danger of ruining your holiday or special event finery with this whisper light GOLD Lamé  adult bib. Measures 14.5″ long from bottom of neck, and 13.5″ wide. Velcro closure. MADE IN THE USA!! Fun and glamorous, perfect for home or restaurant. This bib is NOT intended for heavy duty use. CARE NOTE: Bibs may be laundered in cold water and hung dry, but do not attempt to spot clean: If rubbed, the gold will delaminate. Do NOT iron, fabric will melt.

(We are not to this point either but the gold lamé  part cracked me up.  They had others with leopard, bowties and  fake jewelry embroidered on them.  They just needed some with a bikini outline like on those corny T-shirts you see in catalogs where it looks like you are wearing a bikini.  But then you’d need the anti-strip suit for the rest of the table I guess.  Maybe that’s a bad idea.)

bikini

At any rate, I found a few items to order.  And I’m grateful that I got a chuckle out of some of these items, even though it still feels a little creepy to admit that.  But I’m sticking with my story that it’s better to laugh than to cry and that takes the creep factor down a notch.

I’m also grateful that I got quite a few holidayish things done today. I will breathe easier as I lay my head on the pillow tonight.  I’m also thankful for you, my readers.

What are you grateful for today?  (Even if you have to grasp for it.)