Category Archives: Randomness
How to Recognize a Close Encounter of the Personal Kind.
You know who I’m talking about.
Those people who get so close to you that you almost feel their breath on your neck as you stand in line at the grocery store, post office or drug store. Anywhere there is a line with people who think that you’re too slow and they’re more important, or who were seriously raised by parents who did not teach them about respecting the personal space of others.
This often takes place as I am paying and I want to offer them a piece of gum out of my purse since they can see inside it so well.
A grown man in the next line over at the store yesterday was so up in this lady’s business and being such a spaz about it that I could feel the energy in the next lane over. (This photo does not do the situation justice and I was trying to be discreet.) I wanted to ask him if he had to use the restroom or something since he seemed in such a hurry.
Often these space invaders have one hand on their hip, their arms crossed or even their legs crossed like this guy. And some sighs and heavy breathing might take place. Sometimes body odor.
Naively, I always think that making some dramatic eye contact with a semi-sneer will make it clear to them that they are invading my space and they need to back off.
Or sometimes I think that if I just hold my ground and not move a single inch until I’m good and ready, they’ll get the message.
I’ve even tried slightly backing up to throw them off, to no avail.
I always want to say something like “You seem like you’re in a hurry since you’re up so close and personal with me right now, want to go ahead of me? Or do you just want to get to know me better?” Or “You seem like you need a hug … is that why you’re getting so close?” But I worry that I would start something that I’m physically unable to carry through.
Any attempts I make to help space invaders realize that they are bucking this social norm are futile. I’m baffled. Or maybe I’m delusional to think that I can really change another human being’s behavior? ( Logically I know this to be the answer but I still love to analyze it.)
How do you handle Close Encounters of the Personal Kind? Any tips?
Act first, think later. Story of my life in 5 examples.
Photo from http://design-seeds.com, a really cool site I just discovered.
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Act first. Think later. Story of my life. Luckily it’s working relatively well for me so far. My dad does it too, and even admits it, so I come by it honestly.
This ‘creative leap’ idea is how I justify it. Similarly, I enjoy any quote about procrastination being a good thing.
Here are some examples of how this is the story of my life:
1. Hanging pictures – Not sure if I’ve ever used a ruler or tape measure when hanging things on any walls – and I have a LOT on my walls. This makes many people CRAZY. (And I love it.)
2. Painting – When I have gone to those places where you paint as a group while you have a cocktail, and everyone paints the same stroke with the same color in the same order, I go for the wine and pretend like I’m following directions or like I’m just confused. The conformists in these groups whose paintings look exactly like the teacher’s painting in the end always look at my painting with sheer disdain and disbelief. Once someone told me that my painting of wildflowers might indicate that I need therapy. (Which tells me that it’s good.)
3. Trimming – As in my bangs, or anything I’m cutting for that matter. Again, I don’t measure or think it out too much when cutting ribbon, fabric, dog hair, my hair, etc. This has not ended well on several occasions. (Starting at age five when I gave my doll and I a haircut at the same time using my dullest kindergarten scissors. Also in college when I used to make my own wrap skirts – my room mates are still laughing.)
4. Giving my opinion – How boring and untrue would I be if I edited my opinion before I spoke of it? Besides, it would take far too long and I would get distracted by the time I thought it through and then I’d forget my point. I’ve gotten in trouble with this one. (Fortunately those who love me can handle it.)
5. A plethora of injuries, bruises and cuts at all times – Whether I’m carrying sixteen things down the stairs to save time, or teetering on the edge of a chair because I don’t want to take the time to find a ladder, or using a knife that is dull. You get the idea. (Luckily I still have all my digits.)
Do you ever act first and think later?
VanGogh: Looking at Mental Illness through the Works of a Master.
“If you hear a voice within you say ‘you cannot paint,’ then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.” VanGogh
“It is better to be high-spirited even though one makes more mistakes, than to be narrow-minded and all too prudent. ” VanGogh
I’ve always admired the works of VanGogh. And perhaps because of my fascination with mental health (and society’s aversion to discussing it), I must admit that I looked forward to learning more of this great artist’s highly speculated background at the museum exhibit that MacGyver and I attended a couple of weeks ago.
Our museum headphones were our guide as we carefully threaded our way through the crowds and learned about this fascinating, yet troubled, artist.
A pastor’s son from Holland, Van Gogh didn’t start painting until he was 27 years old. This was after stints as a book store clerk, an art salesman and even a preacher. He died at 37. He sold one painting while he was alive.
After being dismissed for being overzealous as a preacher, VanGogh set out on a quest, seeking the meaning of life while painting as a way to merge his spirituality with his love for nature, art and literature. Much of what is known about him is from thoughtful letters to his brother throughout the years.
During his ten short years of his painting, he spent time in Belgium, Paris, Southern France and then in northwestern suburbs of Paris. He largely taught himself to paint through art instruction books and observing the techniques of other artists. During each of these phases, his art took on the characteristics of what he was learning and experiencing as he battled bouts of mental illness.
My favorite paintings are from the time before his death in the northwestern suburbs of Paris, when his intense emotions gave way to his use of vivid colors and dramatic brushstrokes, and he painted nearly a painting a day for 70 days before his death. His letters explained in revealing detail how these paintings explained the loneliness he felt and the comfort which the countryside provided for him.
Before that in Southern France (where he committed himself to a mental facility after an intense altercation with Gaughin, a leading French Post-Impressionist artist who he looked up to) and then during his final days, VanGogh painted dozens of wheat fields, which are some of my favorite VanGogh paintings. He was drawn to them because of his spiritual connection to nature and because he saw the fields as metaphors for humanity’s cycles of life through growth and vulnerability.
I’ve tried to mimic his work in my painting shown here which resembles his “wheat field under cloudy sky” painting and incorporates a farmhouse which he also enjoyed painting.
VanGogh’s letters reveal that he was an eloquent writer with extreme intelligence, perspective and sensitivity, along with thoughts much deeper and more reflective than any of the seemingly sane around him. I must wonder how he would do in our modern world today. Would he be diagnosed, treated and blend better in society? Or would that have stifled his creativity and suppressed his talent?
“When I have a terrible need of – shall I say the word – religion. Then I go out and paint the stars.” VanGogh
What VanGogh painting stands out most in your mind?
10 signs that a cell phone intervention may be necessary.
If you know anyone exhibiting any of the following signs on a regular basis, a cell phone intervention may be necessary. I know these may seem like obvious ways to coexist with other humans in a civil fashion, but each day I come to the sad realization that these things are not obvious to everyone.
Please proceed with an open mind. Here we go:
1. Constantly checking your phone and texting while you are out with friends or at an event is as bad as checking your watch repeatedly or yawning. If your kids or babysitter REALLY need you, I doubt they are going to text. Otherwise you’re sending the message that you have better things to be doing with your time or that you’re as bored as a blind man in a strip club.
2. Enabling the loud clicking keyboard sound effects (or any keyboard sound effects) on your phone is the equivalent of clipping your toenails in public. No one needs to hear it. Besides, most of us can type these days, so there’s really no need to call special attention to it. (If this is confusing, check out the settings on your phone.)
3. Answering your phone in a restaurant. For God’s sake, excuse yourself from the table or use your inside voice until you can get outside. Or heaven forbid, let the call go to voice mail and call them back. If it’s urgent (and pause for a moment… and think about what is truly urgent), then they’re most likely going to call more than once. Unless you’ve let your party know that you’re expecting a really important call or it really is URGENT, it’s actually insulting.
4. This one is obvious and I mentioned it in another post a few days ago. If you can’t stop yourself from looking at your phone while you are driving, put it in the back seat or trunk, or better yet, keep some duct tape handy and tape it to your back until you arrive. It will make all of us — who are sharing the road with you –breathe a little easier.
5. Talking at full volume on your phone in a shared space where some might be trying to take a breather (coffee shop, hair salon, shops, EVEN BATHROOMS, PEOPLE). We realize that you are uber important and you’ve got to get that remodeling done before the big party. But seriously, we don’t need to hear every word of your conversation at full volume. Besides, it ruins the free head and neck massage that my stylist provides once every few months for me at the salon because I can’t stop thinking about flicking you on the forehead.
6. Your crazy ass loud ring tone. I know sometimes it’s hard to hear from a distance, but when you’re in a restaurant or shared quiet space, setting to vibrate is the polite thing to do. And if you forget – which happens to all of us sometimes – at least At least PRETEND like you are trying to answer it quickly.
7. Wearing your Bluetooth earpiece/earbud while you having an in-person conversation or at a restaurant. I don’t even think I need to explain this. No one is important enough for this to be necessary while you’re enjoying a meal or conversation with someone. Not only does it look ridiculous, but I’m pretty sure you’d be able to feel the phone vibrate if you are sitting in a booth. (And again, if it’s urgent, they’re probably going to give it a ring more than once.)
8. Repeated followup texts with question marks because you’re impatient and we haven’t responded to your text according to your expectations (which are completely subjective). Some of us don’t have our phones in hand at all times, thank God. And sometimes, people have a lot on their plate. If it’s important or you’re really concerned, pick up the phone and use your voice. Otherwise it’s the equivalent of repeatedly honking in traffic.
9. Re-sending the same generic texts often to lots of different people in succession. Sorry, but sometimes it’s way obvious that you are just killing time in a waiting room.
10. Sending texts to large groups of people who don’t know each other. Don’t be surprised if we don’t take the time to respond to these texts if we have no idea who else is on the group text. It doesn’t take that much longer to send the same text a couple of times. Besides, your husband’s aunt’s stepbrother’s niece doesn’t really want to know what 867-5309 thinks.
Thanks for taking the time to read. We all break these common courtesy guidelines once in a while, including myself. But I sigh just imagining how much more of a civil society we could have if we were all just a teeny bit more self aware.
Now, go make that urgent call.
PS: Who recognized that phone number in #10?
Oh, and Jenny, I’ve got your number.
And the greatest of these is love.
My latest creation … in pink for Valentine’s Day.
4 Things I’ve Seen People Doing While Driving This Week
(Sorry for the technical difficulties earlier – accidentally published a draft!)
Here are four things I’ve seriously seen people doing while driving this week:
1. This morning after dropping my son off at school, I looked in the rear view mirror and saw a guy shaving with his electric razor while driving (as he was passing the elementary school).
2. Yesterday I saw a gal eating oatmeal (I assume) and using a spoon while driving.
3. Everyday I see a teenager texting while driving on the way to school. (Isn’t there a law about this? They don’t even try to hide it. Scares the heck out of me.)
4. Monday I saw lady putting on mascara while driving. (That would suck to lose an eye for vanity’s sake.)
At some point I assume I’ll see someone doing yoga or lifting weights while driving because they ran short on time.
What’s the worst you’ve seen people do while driving? (Aside from nose picking which is far too obvious – and disgusting.)
Monkey Dog Does the Bacon Boogie
Since I’ve last posted about Monkey Dog, she has seized the following items from the kitchen counter when we weren’t looking: half of a thin crust supreme pizza, a package of flour tortillas, a package of hotdog buns, some cookie dough and Wonderbread, a tub of margarine and two spatulas. Those are just some highlights of these past few weeks.
Her monkey arms and invisible retractable thumbs continue to amaze us. Especially while she is in counter surfing mode.
Not surprisingly, she’s gotten a little chubby. We’ll be contacting Monkey Weight Watchers soon.
In the meantime, check out her Bacon Boogie:
Best thing since … sliced onions
A month ago I stood in the kitchen with mascara running down my face and my eyes burning while I chopped an onion. And because my family doesn’t even bat an eye as I loudly blurt out expletives while attempting anything in the kitchen, it didn’t surprise them when I exclaimed “Surely someone has invented some !@*^$% onion cutting goggles..!?”
I reached into our school supply closet and gave the science lab safety goggles a try. No luck. Duh. But I was determined.
Then, as it happens most of the time when I turn to Amazon looking for whatever I’m hoping that someone has invented, onion cutting glasses do, in fact, exist. This may be old news to you, but it was news to me.
And what better time to share this find than as part of the WordPress Daily Prompt to write about something that I think is the best thing since …well, you know… sliced bread.
So there you have it. Hands down the best new gadget to come into my life … my special onion cutting glasses, in fire engine red. The foam around the eye of the glasses blocks out all vapors. And, as a bonus, I’m always ready for an extreme Airsoft challenge if one occurs in the backyard while I’m chopping onions.
What’s your favorite kitchen gadget?
Playing the Ukulele By Virgin Ear
My youngest son (my Clone) is taking ukulele lessons (yes, ukulele – ‘ concert ukulele’ actually:) ) lessons from a young gal who is a private instructor. Last night was his first lesson.
After my Clone showed us some chords that he learned, he told us a little about the lesson and the cute, young instructor (my oldest son heard how cute she was and might suddenly be interested in some lessons).
My Clone explained that during the lesson while the instructor was demonstrating a chord and slipped, she said “Oh crap.” She then looked up at him and apologized profusely for saying such a bad word in front of him.
He had a terrific grin on his face as he explained this to his curses-like-a -truck-driver mother.
I asked him if he explained to her why she shouldn’t worry.
His Clone grin grew large enough to reveal his Clone dimples and he explained that he didn’t want to shock her … right off the bat, anyway.
We’ll save that for next week.
Did Buddah have a Napoleon Complex?
“The battlefield is a scene of constant chaos. The winner will be the one who controls that chaos, both his own and the enemies”― Napoleon Bonaparte
I recently discovered this quote and I love it. Just as it applied to the battles that Napoleon’s armies fought, it applies to how we live our lives each day. How we react to chaos, change or loss – anything that rocks our world- and how we choose to process it. It’s only when we rise above the chaos or challenges that we truly win the battles of life … and grow from it as a result.
Buddhist teachings have long taught the value of quieting the mind and experiencing the present amidst chaos.
Tibetan Buddhism describes three gates we must pass through or commitments we must make to help us embrace our moments of chaos as opportunities for growth:
1. Cause no harm: do our best to not cause harm with actions, words or thoughts (to commit to being good to each other).
2. Help others: do our best to keep our hearts and minds open, and nurture our compassion by giving to those in need.
3. Accept impermanence: do our best to embrace the world just as it is, without bias; try to see everything – good and bad – as a way to awaken further.
I will keep these commitments in mind the next time I have a lot on my plate and become ridiculously frustrated by the person in the bank drive-through who won’t commit to a lane (in case a different one opens up faster). And the next time I’m put on hold on the telephone listening to music and being redirected repeatedly. And the next time I judge anyone who doesn’t share my point of view or appreciate the same things that I do.
P.S. Did you know Napoleon was actually above average height for his time? Scientists say he was actually about 5’6, rather than just over 5′ as the compensatory complex has been explained. The average height for an 18th century Frenchman was 5’3″. He was perceived as short because he was most often seen with the Imperial Guard — his bodyguards who were above average height.
Nameste my peeps.
Waxing Kundalini. 10 Lessons Learned.
Lessons learned from my first attempt this year to officially get off my butt and exercise (after a much too lengthy hiatus):
1. Too many muffins = muffin top even in cool yoga pants.
2. When you don’t recognize the type of yoga listed, look it up before showing up. (Especially if you can’t pronounce it.)
3. First sign you may be in over your head: When you arrive to check in and say, ” I called and they said this class is okay for beginners” and the teacher takes a long pause and says “… Uhhh…. well… SURE it is. Welcome….”
4. When all else fails, fake it and act like you know what you’re doing. (No one will notice when you keep one eye open to double check during the eyes closed parts.)
5. Second and third signs that you might be in over your head: When the teacher says she’s picked out a much harder class sequence for after the holiday and she apologizes in advance. Then, when you’re about to pass out already and the teacher says “okay…we’re almost done warming up.”
6. Do not sit by the only male in the class who is clearly an overachiever with extremely loud and forceful breathing. (Otherwise it’s far too distracting and windy during the “fire breathing” portions of the exercises.)
7. Figure out where everyone else gets the mantra chanting song sheets ahead of time (watermelon, watermelon doesn’t seem to work when you’re chanting in a small group).
8. Have a tissue at the ready for the “fire-breathing” parts of the exercises when the teacher tells you to switch from forceful mouth exhales to forceful exhales through the nose. (Especially if you have allergies, it can get messy.)
9. Bring a second tissue for the cleansing song at the end of the 75 minutes of hard core Kundalini yoga. (You’ll think it’s corny when it starts. Until you’re wiping away your tears.)
10. You will be sore as hell the next day and probably have a hard time walking down the stairs very quickly. But you’ll be so proud of yourself that you might even treat yourself to a new pair of cool yoga pants with built-in compression in the butt and gut areas (worth every penny, and a great motivator to go to the next class).
About Kundalini Yoga from about.com: Is Kundalini for You? (the part I probably should have looked up before going) ….
Kundalini is one of the more spiritual types of yoga. It goes beyond the physical performance of poses with its emphasis on breathing, meditation, mudras and chanting. However, the Kundalini sequences can be very physically intense. This type of yoga appeals to those who are up for both mental and physical challenges.
In the end, I’m so glad I tried this class. I will be going again. Happy 2013!
Mike Foxtrotter, this has to stop! Gratitude Experiment: Day 51
This morning I was running late for a meeting and getting ready far too late to comfortably make it in time. And that’s usually when it starts. Words that would make most people blush begin to fly out of my mouth as I fumble for my mascara and search for my iphone that invisible elves continue to misplace every morning when I need to leave the house.
This is all much to my husband’s amusement. He often laughs quietly (for fear of his life), sometimes muttering that he thinks he would hear less cursing if he were suiting up in marine barracks each morning.
Today after my explosive rant while hurriedly applying makeup with one eye on the clock, searching for my phone and changing clothes at the same time, he suggested that I might think about substituting my litany of four-letter words with military alphabet terminology: “Foxtrot! Where’s my mike foxtrotting phone? Delta it.”
Yesterday after I broke a glass in the dishwasher and exclaimed a few niceties, he asked,”Is that how Honey Boo Boo would say it?” This is getting serious. I know I need to clean up my act.
At least I’m becoming more aware and I think I have some semblance of control. I actually do know when to limit my Sierras, Foxtrots and Deltas in certain circumstances when it would be totally out of line. So why am I unable to harness that kind of self control more often? Maybe I need to be checked in somewhere.
This afternoon I asked my almost sixteen year old son if I cursed too much. When he told me “Well, yes Mom, you do, but it’s sort of but it’s funny.” I threw out a curse word before asking he was serious. “Sierra… am I that bad?” I didn’t even realize the irony.
In a fellow blogger’s recent post, Cursing: An Editorial Style Guide (http://imissyouwheniblink.com/2012/04/26/cursing-an-editorial-style-guide/), his guidelines for optimum profanity usage are explained.
Below is rule number one:
***
1. Show some ingenuity.
Contrary to what you may have heard, using profanity isn’t necessarily a lazy way of speaking or writing. Using the wrong profanity is lazy. Choose all words with equal care, I say. My mother, who by the way is one of the classiest dames you’ll ever meet, has been known to brandish curse words in entirely unique ways, inventing whole new parts of speech. She always has the right expression for a situation. For example, walking into an unkempt room: “Holy shitstorm, it looks like the ass end of destruction in a typhoid whorehouse around here.” [Exit with flourish.] What does it even mean? I don’t know. But somehow I can picture it. She is a genius. Always be creative and specific.
***
I can only hope that one day my boys will refer to the ingenuity of my profanity with the admiration that this blogger has for his mother’s. I know my college roommates have that kind of admiration for me to this day. I had some doozies my freshman year. They still quote me on a couple of key phrases that broke records for profanity ingenuity.
Today I am grateful that at times I am self-aware enough to know when I need to work on improving my less than ideal habits. And for my family’s patience while I do so. Thanks for reading!
Top 10 Reasons Not To Have Petite Friends If You’re Not Petite. Gratitude Experiment: Day 48
I will preface this post with a note that I am not of Amazonian proportions. In fact, I am an average sized person if not a tad less bulky than average. But growing up in my family, 5’7″ actually was Amazonian. I towered over my mother and sister for much of my life. Yes, they were short, cute, petite little buggers and I heard quite a few wisecracks from them over the years (although it was advantageous to be taller than your older sister).
As an adult, I have formed wonderful friendships with a few petite, some might even say tiny, friends. But I’ve realized this doesn’t do my vain ego any favors. Too late to change direction on those friendships for sure, but I can apply these findings to potential petite pals in the future.
At any rate, here’s why:
1. There is no way I can be in a photo with these petite pals and not look like I am a giant who is getting ready to eat them.
2. I’m destined to have a “big eater” complex at restaurants with them whenever I reach for the breadbasket (let alone the New York Strip and loaded mashed potatoes).
3. My large head, especially next to them, looks freakishly out of proportion in photos — especially if, heaven forbid, I end up in the foreground of the photo.
4 . There’s not any clothes swapping or borrowing going on with these mini mates.
5. If I was to try on their jewelry – their rings would barely fit my pinky finger I’m pretty sure. Not an ego booster.
6. There’s not any shoe swapping going on with these bite size buddies either. And I’m convinced that shoe manufacturers either produce less attractive shoes in size 9, or they just look far less attractive when that long.
7. Sometimes aforementioned photos end up on Facebook and I wonder if it’s because I make them look great by size comparison.
8 . There is the distinct possibility of jail time for me after violent reactions to any one of them complaining about feeling too big or fat (even though I know it’s all relative).
9. Few clothing items that look good on my pint size pals will look good on me when found in my size. Let’s face it, clothing designers like the way their clothes look on small framed people and they design them that way.
10. When in photos with these friends, I usually have to lean or kneel down a bit so that I don’t tower over them or end up out of the picture frame. This usually ends up creating an even more awkward looking photo — like I have a hunchback or spinal curvature condition. Super sexy.
That Randy Newman Short People song kept going through my head as I was writing this post. I wondered what his motivation was for the lyrics and thought about how controversial and mean it would sound today. After a little research, it turns out that he was referring to people with short tempers who are small-minded. Or that’s his story and he’s sticking to it.
Today, despite my whining, I am very grateful for all of my friends, large and small. And for my readers, short and tall.
life on wry 