Tag Archives: finding self

Letter to my 14-Year-Old Self. Gratitude Experiment: Day 85

This week a writing prompt caught my attention, so here goes:

Dear 14-year-old-me,

There are so many things I want to tell you.  I’m not sure where to start.

First off, I think you should start writing in a journal. Quit fighting it. It is part of who you are. Get a journal and just write in it. You’ll be glad later.

Also, as much as your sister bugs you sometimes, please realize how wonderful and brilliant she is and how lucky you are to have her.  She is more a part of you than anyone else ever will be. Soak up every single minute of her.  Do not, I repeat, do not, fight over stupid things. Life is ever so fleeting, so keep this in the back of your mind.

As for your parents, you will not have them around forever either. You need to cut them a little slack. I know you are a teenager, and a ‘feeler’ and all, but you are awfully dramatic.  You’ll realize later that parenting is no cake walk, trust me.

Your Mom is a bit fragile and needs you to be easy on her; she is doing the best that she can. She will teach you many things about life and you will be glad that she did. Try not to get annoyed with her and realize that everyone is in charge of their own happiness.

And your Dad, even though you don’t realize it now, is really a big softie under that tough-as-nails exterior.  He’s just afraid to show it.  He too is brilliant, like your sister was.  He will take you to wonderful places and you will learn great things from him, so stop fighting it and take it all in.  He loves you a lot and you are way more like him than you realize.

Even your stepdad, cut him some slack too.  I know it’s not fun right now, but trust me, he’s going to blow you away with his strength, grace and love for your mother later in life.  He’s still a work in progress, as are we all.  I know you also don’t realize what a blessing it is that you have your stepmom in your life.  She will be there to take care of us all in our darkest hours, and she has a very sweet place for you tucked away in her heart. She too will teach you many things in life.

I know this is getting heavy, so bear with me.  Know that you are already blessed with a few friends who you will have for life.  You don’t understand how rare or fortunate this is.  Take good care of them and don’t blow them off too much to be with your boyfriend.  They will have your back more times than you can ever imagine and they will be your sisters.  Plus, in not too many years down the road, you are going to meet your soul mate, so don’t sweat the boy stuff.

And before I forget, please don’t worry or obsess about how you look or what size jeans you wear – ever.  Trust me, you will have ups and downs all along the way and it really doesn’t matter.  Plus, I promise you’ll look back one day and wonder why in the world you ever criticized the way you looked (except for your blue eye shadow – you seriously need to go easy on that this next few years).

Be sure to step back every once in a while and realize how good you have it. Try not to complain and realize that it’s all relative (you will probably say that a lot in your life).  Find a way to start giving of yourself to help others not as fortunate, so that you can make it a habit for life and keep perspective.  You have some service in your heart and you will find that it energizes you.

Lastly, realize that how you look at things affects everything in your life. And that hurdles and challenges in life are the bricks that build us.  You can do anything and handle anything thrown your way.  You have no earthly idea how strong and passionate you are.  Just remember to leave your ego at the curb every once in a while.

I think that’s it for now, my friend.  I’m grateful that I was able to reflect on these things for you. Godspeed.

Yours truly,

Older Self

A picture worth a thousand words. Gratitude Experiment: Day 82

One of this week’s WordPress writing prompts was to write about a picture that is worth a thousand words.  I was supposed to write fiction about a photo posted along with this WordPress challenge.  But since I am more of a narrative nonfiction kind of gal, I decided to write about a real picture from my life that was worth a thousand words.

Taking care of my mother once a week this last year or so has given me the opportunity to pour through some great old photos. And this was one of them that made me laugh, and that represents a thousand words.

My mom’s very short-lived second marriage resulted in two step brothers whom I had no affection for, no matter how hard I tried.  One of them wet my favorite sleeping bag on numerous occasions and the other was just bratty.  (Of course this was my view of them at the time.  They ended up growing into quite nice young adults when I met them again many years later.)

This short-time stepdad wasn’t particularly fond of me.  Which made me not super fond of him.  He liked my older sister better.  I actually heard him say something like that one time to my mother when he didn’t know I was listening.  Sweeeeeet.  Way to make a kid feel AWESOME.  Quite the ego booster.  Clearly, we were tight.

Needless to say, on outings with these “step brothers”  who received the majority of the attention from their guilt-ridden father, I was often left to feel  like I was just along for the ride.  And I was damn fine to pout about it and make it quite clear how I felt.

To me, this picture says all of this without any words. I have never been one who is able to hide what I’m feeling, and this picture is more proof of this.  My horrible, pissed-off pout is classic.

As far as something to be grateful related to this…. hmm.  Let’s see, I’m grateful for the laugh that this photo gave me when I came across it.  And grateful that I am a little better able to hide my feelings now when necessary.  But I’m also grateful that I am secure enough to be a genuine, what-you-see-is-what-you-get kind of person 99 percent of the time. I don’t leave many wondering what I’m thinking (read Open Kimono post: https://lifeonwry.com/?s=kimono#).  Which means that I end up with friends who are also genuine.  And that makes life a heck of a lot easier.

Can you think of a picture of yours that is worth a thousand words?

Be the Person Your Dog Thinks You Are. Gratitude Experiment: Day 81

After traveling for a few days while my pups were at the kennel, I am truly grateful to have them back.

They melt my heart, make my bad days good, and are the most accepting creatures on this planet.  How lucky we are as humans to have animals as friends.

My favorite bumper sticker says:  Be the person your dog thinks you are.

I love this saying. How much better of a place would this planet be if this was how we all acted? Forgetting about all the junk  of life (and the politics this week) and all of the things that bother us …  and just being kind, grateful and loving?

Short and simple as this is, for these pups (Piper Cub and Tony Soprano), and for all they teach me, I am grateful.

What pets you are grateful for?

Goldilocks and Gratitude. Experiment: Day 76

One of  yesterday’s writing prompts was to write about a time when you had a Goldilocks experience – arriving at something that was “just right” after experiencing things that were too much of one thing or too little of another. My Goldilocks experience has to do with dating and men.

Back in college, I dated some good boys and some bad boys, always torn about which ones were the better fit.  The good boys were often cute, quite witty and polite. They made great grades and had their eye on the future.  But they were often boring and uptight.

During my bad boy phase, I was really fascinated with guys who had longer hair and who drove motorcycles — the total bad boy stereotype.  I was also fascinated by anyone who my parents didn’t approve of, because that made it all the more fun.  These bad boys were cute and definitely more fun, but often not super thoughtful or smart and usually far from ambitious. And I was sure that the lack of ambition thing and the not so smart thing would really wear on me after a certain period of time.

Luckily during my senior year of college I came across an anomaly.  A rare combination of bad boy and good boy all mixed into one human being.  Crazy smart and witty, handsome, romantic and thoughtful and  just the right amount of ambition.  And someone who could never bore me.  The fact that he didn’t have a sexist bone in his body was an extra bonus.

And fortunately, 21 years later, everything is still ‘just right.’  For this I am truly grateful.

Have you ever had a Goldilocks experience?

PS: Some really frightening images of sexy Goldilocks Halloween costumes came up when I searched for an image.  In case anyone is looking for costume ideas. 🙂

The Brothers Bloom. Gratitude Experiment: Day 75

For some reason my post yesterday didn’t actually get published until just now. And I just realized – thanks to Ambling & Rambling, that the countdown widget I added to my site told me I had 19 days left, when it was really 26. Duh. Yes, I am sometimes severely WordPress-challenged.  Still need ideas for my next challenge, but I have a little more time than I thought. So keep them coming!

Now, for today’s actual post…

I am grateful that today I got to see my sons hang out and laugh together like old times.

They are growing up far too quickly. And becoming a little too cool for our regular family goofiness. And as teenagers, they get on each other’s nerves a lot these days.

So when I see them laugh and hang out together like old times, it warms my heart. Today was one of those days and hearing their laughter made me smile. For this I am thankful.

PS: If you haven’t seen the movie The Brothers Bloom, rent it.  One of my favorites.

19 More Days. Gratitude Experiment: Day 74


Today I’m grateful that I have made it through almost 100 days without running out of things to be thankful for.

This exercise in positive thinking has made my glass more easily half full on a regular basis. This is a very good thing. And it has attracted good things.

Plus, the 100-day challenge to post something every day has been a genius way for me to force myself to write and post every single day. And I am truly enjoying it.

But with only 19 days until I hit the big 100, the pressure is mounting for another challenge that I shall proclaim to keep myself blogging.

I would like to keep the next challenge related to gratitude somehow because this has been a great experience and it seems to be easy to connect with.

Ideas?

PS:  How cool is the sunlight hitting the top of the tree in this photo? It was the other morning just as the sun was rising after our first somewhat substantial early snow.

Give me your thoughts on my next challenge…

Inspired by Grace. Gratitude Experiment: Day 73

Today I visited my friend’s son – who is also my friend – in the hospital. He is 14 with cerebral palsy and just had a very big surgery where a pump for medication was placed deep in his abdomen to help make him more comfortable and manage his pain.

Not only is this young man one of the sweetest and smartest kids I know, but he is also one of the bravest, a bona fide trooper.

And as for my friend — not only do I consider her a great confidant and ally, but  I am also continually moved by her incredible strength, beauty and grace.

It’s hard to explain, but watching them today, I was inspired. For this, and for my young friend’s healthy start on his road to recovery from his surgery, I am truly grateful.

Most precious thing lost. Gratitude Experiment: Day 72

One of the writing prompts on WordPress this week is to write about the most precious thing you’ve ever lost.

My most precious thing ever lost would be my sister’s stainless steel ID bracelet with her name on it.  I used to wear it a lot.   It was a way to keep her with me every day.

Its cantankerous clasp has been the culprit.  I have lost it on two different occasions, swearing that I would never see it again.  And probably wiping a tear as I proclaimed its disappearance.

Both times my heart sank and my stomach soured as I thought about how sad and angry with myself I was  for losing this precious bracelet. I felt like I had lost a part of her.

The first time I lost it was shortly after my sister died.  My heart raced as I backtracked and traced my footsteps and locations with angst. I probably had fifteen people on the look-out for it. They felt so sorry for me as they heard my voice tremble as I explained what I was looking for.  Everything was so fresh then. And thank goodness it was found after much searching. Only to lose it again years later.

The next time I lost it was only about four years ago when I realized I hadn’t seen it since we moved houses.  After much distress and drama and a month of searching, I found it again. Whew.

I am grateful that my “most precious thing lost” was found again – both times.   Now I am so paranoid that I might lose it again that I hardly ever wear it.  But I keep it where I can see it everyday.  That little bracelet makes me happy. And for that I am thankful as well.

What is the most precious thing you’ve ever lost?

Ode to Serendipity. Gratitude Experiment: Day 71

Today I received one of those unexpected clues that all is right in the universe and that I am exactly where I am meant to be.

Every have one of those?  They are great moments.  And the more aware you become of them, the more you notice these clues.

Backstory:  I’m jealous of other people’s friendly mailmen.  Or maybe they are just always friendly in the movies.  But I know my parents have a super friendly mailman who they have had for years and they actually know all about him and his family.

My regular mailman, on the other hand, is not so much  friendly.  He is not a ‘waver’, he doesn’t’ really ever say hello and he doesn’t smile.  I can’t figure out if he’s sad or just shy.

Or maybe it’s just me.  He does seem somewhat petrified of me for some reason.  Perhaps it’s because he’s terrified by my two maniac dogs who go crazy when the doorbell rings.  Or he just really doesn’t like people anywhere near his personal space bubble.

For example, when he comes to the door with a package and has to ring the bell (I picture him wincing as he reaches for my bell), I usually open the door and come out (so I can close the door behind me and leave the crazy dogs inside). This is when his eyes open wide and he takes several big steps back very quickly, like I am going to attack him or kiss him or something.  It is the oddest thing and he does it every time. I swear I am not abnormally large, fast or loud, or even that scary looking, and I don’t go to the door if I am, in fact, scary looking.  I just can’t figure it out.

So it’s always a treat when we have our substitute mailman who covers our route when our guy is not working.  Substitute mailman  is very friendly and actually speaks and smiles.  And he doesn’t  seem afraid of me, which is a plus, and much better for my ego.  But I don’t get to see him that often.

Okay, I know what you’re thinking… Geez, this chick really doesn’t  get out enough —  the mailman seems to be the highlight of her day.  Explanation:  I work out of my house and mainly talk to my clients through email.  So, on many days, the mail delivery really is the highlight and the main opportunity for me to see daylight, hoping that I don’t melt like a vampire.  Anyway, bear with me.

Today, substitute mailman rings the doorbell.  I answer and as soon as I realize that it is friendly substitute mailman, he says “Hi, how is your Mom doing?”  I paused for a moment trying to figure out how he would even know that I have a Mom, much less that she is someone who people routinely ask me about.

I looked at him quizzically and said “fine … why do you ask?”  He explained to me that he read my letter to the editor about Alzheimer’s that was published in the newspaper over a month ago.  He recognized my name in the paper and that I was on his route that he covered for on some days.  He explained  how he remembered which house I was in and about my Mom, because his dad has Alzheimer’s too. (Note:  I do NOT  live in a small town.  This is not a regular occurrence)

We had a very nice conversation about Alzheimer’s and our parents. As I watched him walk away, I thought about how I’ve never said more than hello to him before, but he was sweet enough to a) notice the letter in the paper and actually read it, b) recognize my name, c) remember which house I was in and d)make an effort to come to the door and hand me my mail so that he could ask me about my Mom.  I sort of tear up just writing about it and the thought of it makes my heart swell a bit.

So this is why I am grateful today.  I am thankful to have received what I interpret as a sign that all is right in the universe and that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, despite how often I sometimes question the universe and my role within it.

And because my substitute mailman made my day.

When was the last time you received a clue from the universe that all is right and exactly as it is meant to be – also known as God’s winks by one book that I’ve seen, and as moments of serendipity?

Before they leave. Gratitude Experiment: Day 70

The first thing I have to report is that both my kids both had a good day today.  This means that my day was much better as well! I am grateful for this.

And, in keeping with my ‘time is flying by’ theme, I’ve done some research and thinking on what some key things are that I want to be sure to teach my kids before the leave for college. Yes,  I have a few years left, but lists calm my nerves.  I live for lists.  They make me feel more in control.

There are several check lists out there for this, but below are my top priorities which I will be working on  – one item per month.  Many of these things my kids already know some of.

Cooking: I am going to continue to teach my kids how to make a few basic meals (scrambled eggs and bacon, spaghetti, salad and bread and a few variations on ramen noodles, as all college kids should know).  Also some basic rules on saving, refrigerating and freezing food. And good basics to keep in the pantry.

Budgeting:  I am going to teach them how to make $20 or $3o go as far as possible in the grocery store – including basic foods and cleaning supplies. And I’m going to point out what items are expensive and how to save.  And how to prioritize spending.

Banking:  My kids have online checking accounts, but I am going to work with them more on checking their balances and how to pay bills, write checks and balance accounts.

Laundry: My kids know the basics, but we are going to do some practice on dark and light loads and how to do them, as well as how to iron when needed. And how to treat for stains. And how to read labels on clothing.

Cleaning:  I’ve already taught them some basics, but I am going to expand on this a bit to include cleaning dishes by hand, and cleaning woodwork, bathtubs and floors.

Organization: I am going to go over basic ways to organize a pantry, as well as good things to stock the bathroom and cleaning supply cabinet with.

Correspondence: I am going to make sure my kids can not only write a letter, but also address,stamp and mail a letter.  And I will make sure they can send a professional email.

Car maintenance: We’ve been working on this for a few years and we will continue to help them know how to check tire pressure and oil, accurately read dash gauges, change a tire and do regular maintenance on cars.  I will always remember my dad teaching me how to check my oil and change a tire.

This is the start of my basics list.  I’ll keep you posted on how it goes!

Today I’m grateful that I have prioritized this one list, as it has given me some peace of mind.

Why do kids have to grow up so quickly? I’m glad having a plan like this helps me focus more on enjoying the process.

Thanks for reading!

It ain’t always easy being grateful. Gratitude Experiment: Day 69

As I try to channel Chester Cheetah from the Cheetos commercials, I fully realize that I am truly a lucky person.  I have a wonderful family, a roof over my head and plenty of food on my table. Really, I should have nothing to complain about. But it’s all relative right?

When some days come to a close, I sigh and wonder what I am going to be grateful about when I blog.  And then I feel guilty for thinking that, because relatively speaking, depending on what you compare it to, I’ve got it made.  But where does that thinking end? And let’s face it, we all have our days.  Fortunately, I’m learning that it’s okay to be honest with myself.  And I’m grateful for that.

Today, I ran from point A to point B (and back to point B and then A again so that I could get work done in between), more times than I could count.  I didn’t feel like I got anything accomplished in as complete of a way as I would have liked. I continue to feel guilty about not spending enough time helping with my Mom and I feel like my kids are growing up so fast that I need to soak up every minute of it and teach them everything I can before they leave the nest. But days like today make me feel like I didn’t get to soak up any of it at all, because life got in the way.

Not to mention that tonight’s presidential debate just plain stressed me out.  As a conflict-avoider down deep, these debates cause me angst no matter the outcome.

Much more importantly, today I worried about my oldest son who I am convinced is still having a hard time emotionally since his concussion last spring which kicked his butt and changed his life, athletically speaking, and consequently, self esteem-wise.  I really think more research needs to be done about the link between concussions and depression, and everything in between.  I swear he is not the same kid, emotionally speaking, and it breaks my heart.  I’m trying everything I can think of and taking him to every kind of specialist I can think of, but my heart still knows he is far from himself. And this makes me sad, and tired on days like today.

On the flip side, my youngest son put on a heck of a show in his theater arts class at school this morning, and I was so very proud of him.   I think he is truly an actor down deep in that body with a face that is a clone of mine. And I can tell it makes him truly happy to make others laugh. This is what I am most grateful for today.

And the fact that my family, near and far, is safe and sound tonight.

I’m also grateful, for you, my loyal readers, and your patience with the ups and downs of my blogging catharsis.

Sleep tight.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Silhouette. Gratitude Experiment: Day 67

This week’s WordPress photo challenge is Silhouette.

This photo was taken while driving to Steamboat as the sun was setting.  That was one of the most beautiful drives I can remember. The trees all along the way were absolutely magnificent. (Absolutely was a word that my dear Yoda friend who passed away used all the time. Today was her birthday and I thought of her a lot today. When I see Pear trees planted in a row I think of her.)

Trees make me happy. They stir up all kinds of emotions in me, be it connections to the past, the ideas of longevity, flexibility, stability  change, hope and so much more.  The Weeping Willow across my street (at my friendly neighbor’s) reminds me of the Weeping Willow that we planted at my house in front of our living room window when I was six years old, as well as the Birch tree by our driveway and its paper-like bark that fascinated me.   My mother loved to plant trees and was proud of how well that Weeping Willow grew. I think it made her proud of her new-found independence.

I am grateful for trees (we take them for granted). Do you have memories or feelings that are awakened by trees?

Hope you had a great weekend – here’s to a wonderful week ahead.  I will work on my random acts of kindness this week, as well as my gratitude and positive thinking.  Thanks for reading!

Seven things. Gratitude Experiment: Day 66

Today I am grateful for being recently nominated for the Beautiful Blogger Award.

Here is what I am supposed to do:

  1. Thank the blogger who nominated me.  Thank you again Amber Starts Today !
  2. Attach the award to my site.
  3. Share 7 random facts about myself (see below).
  4. Nominate 7 bloggers for the Beautiful Blogger Award. There are so many that I enjoy, so this is difficult. (See below)

Here goes: Ambling & Rambling, Rantings of an Amateur Chef, diannegray, … from the bungalow,  amyunjaded, free penny press, OverwhelmedByJoy

My seven things:

1. I’m a Taurus. Stubborn and loyal to a fault until you wave a cape or wrong me.  Then I’m not so great at forgiving.
2. I like old cars with character more than jewelry, clothes or shoes combined. Shoes are up there though. I blame my Dad for both obsessions.
3. I’m a germaphobe and if I see you double dip or lick a spoon before you come close to my meal I will seriously lose my shit.
4. Dry martinis, good wine, salty snacks, cheeses and breads are my epicurean weaknesses.
5. I save my energy for those who are real. I do not understand duplicity and those who master it stupefy me.
6. Sometimes I have the sense of humor of a third grade boy.  Far too many of my adult friends wouldn’t be all that surprised if I asked them to pull my finger. Not sure who to blame for this, but my youngest son will blame me later.
7. I curse like a sailor, but I am working on it, damn it.  I blame my niece. Her cursing puts mine to shame.

Random Acts Challenge. Gratitude Experiment: Day 65

A friend sent me an email this week  that talked about gratitude and random acts of kindness.  There were terrific photos with examples of random acts of kindness – people giving shoes to the shoe-less, someone holding an umbrella for someone who couldn’t hold it for themselves, a note from someone paying the tab for couple of new parents at a restaurant, and several more.

It seems to me that sometimes we spend a lot of time thinking about what we don’t like, what we want next and what we don’t have. I fall into this same rut sometimes.

My challenge is this:  For every time this week that I start to complain about something or someone, or think about some “thing” that I want, I will stop and remind myself how lucky I am and think of one random act of kindness to do.  I will try to do this once per day this coming week.  We’ll see how it goes.

Want to play? I challenge you to do it and see what kind of effect it can have. Challenge your friends or kids to. What a great thing to teach kids.  I know it sounds cheesy, but bear with me and give it a go.

There are websites dedicated to providing examples of easy random acts of kindness and you can Google it – from holding the door open (to me this should be a no-brainer), paying the tab for someone behind you, doing yard work for someone, donating books to the library, cooking a meal for someone, picking up trash, writing a letter or card to someone you appreciate, the list goes on. It doesn’t take much.  One of my favorites is to surprise someone who seems like they would really appreciate it (and never expect it) with a much larger tip than usual. Or to let people go in front of me in line if they seem rushed (freaks people out a little so the entertainment factor is a bonus).

Today I’m grateful for being reminded about random acts of kindness.  And for my readers. Go forth and randomly act. Thanks for reading.